A balding man in a gray checkered suit with a kindly expression indicates for you to take a seat at a long, shiny conference table. You oblige.
Ahem, ahem. Now then, child. I am going to tell you a very important story today … the man looks around nervously and rubs the rolls of fat underneath his chin, a characteristic gesture … and I want you to be sure to listen close to every word, and then to go home and blog, tweet and share it with all your friends, all right? Good girl. he pats your head. his hand is a little greasy and smells like hamburglar.
So listen now to the story of Vampi.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, the countries of Wallstreetia and Mainstreetia were at war. It was a long and bitter fight, and many lives were lost and stocks permanently devalued. Ahem. But the innocent little animals of Wallstreetia knew nothing of this ongoing conflict. They wanted only to live as they had always lived, frolicking happily in their underwater paradise, chewing thoughtfully on the gently swaying strands of dollar bills which were their only sustenance. And chief among these innocent animals was Vampi –
You recognize your favorite Beyonce song emanating from the man’s crotch. Sweating profusely, he extricates his Blackberry. Hoo ha? Hester Strumpet here. What’s that? Sell. Sell, sell, sell. Buy, and then sell. Oh, God, definitely sell. Sell with prejudice. Kill her and throw the corpse in the dumpster on Grand St., we have friends there. Sell. Goodbye.
Ah, where was I? Oh yes, Vampi. Vampi was a poor, misunderstood vampire squid who wanted only to live as she had always lived, chewing thoughtfully on the gently swaying strands of dollar bills … did I already mention that? It is one of my favorite parts! But the nasty little men who lived on Mainstreetia would not let Vampi be! Oh, no! They held Vampi responsible for crimes she did not commit! They insulted Vampi’s parent company, which attempted to distance itself from Vampi, leaving Vampi essentially motherless.
So what was Vampi to do? Vampi would have to go off by herself, and try and find her way in a world that was suddenly hard and cruel. So she left her home of Wallstreetia, never to return. The end.
What’s that, little girl? You want to know what became of Vampi? The man glances around. Give me twenty bucks and I’ll tell you. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of it. I do this for a living.